Define Normal

by Axianna

AD Travis looked at the men seated before him, wondering what he'd done to deserve this. Team Seven was a great team when it came to getting things done, but when it came to politics... lets just they sucked. As a result, they pissed off the wrong person, and now, the entire Denver ATF, was being audited. NO, not just an internal audit, that would have been bad enough, no, they had been selected to participate in an independent evaluation from the lowliest secretary to Travis himself. And not just there expenditures, but the effectiveness and methodology. In other words, Team Seven screwed the pooch, and the entire office was paying the price.

"And just how were we supposed to know that asinine ignoramus was the brother of the Mayor?"

"Mr. Standish, it shouldn't matter if he was the son of Donkey Kong, you should have treated the man in a manner in keeping with station."

"Travis, the guy just about got us killed. Hell, Chris wasn't the only one ready to deck the guy. And we controlled ourselves, we didn't take it out on him. It ain't our fault the guy's car some how ended up in his office. We didn't do it, did we guys?"

Buck looked around at his fellow miscreants, JD looking as innocent as the day he was born, Vin trying his best not to smirk, and Ezra not even bothering to try and simply showing off that gold tooth of his. Chris just shook his head, while Nathan got that disappointed look in his eyes, and Josiah tried not to laugh.

Travis was unimpressed to say the least. He didn't care if they did all vouch for each other, they were the only ones juvenile enough to pull off something like that.

"It doesn't matter if you did, or didn't. All that matters is that starting Monday, this office is up for review. They will be examining everyone's records, past and present, as well as all cases, past and present, all arrests, expenditures, and injuries."

"Well, we're screwed." Vin was wondering if it would be better to shoot himself now, of just wait until after the weekend, and give himself a little time left to enjoy himself.

"I suggest you spend the weekend getting all your records in order."

That settled it. He would do the deed right now. Then again, Vin didn't want to get the others in trouble for blood on the carpet.

Buck was wondering why he ever volunteered for this gig.

Chris was thinking the same thing.

Josiah's thoughts turned to New York, and that maybe it was time to head back there.

Nathan was wondering why he dropped out of Med school for this.

Ezra just wanted to be gone.

JD was thinking of faking his death, and hoping that calling in dead would get him out of this.

Travis left the room, leaving death and destruction in his wake. Figuratively if not literally. The others just looked around at each other, all thinking the same thing.

"We are so screwed." JD, being the youngest, in looks if not attitude, spoke first.

Everybody immediately started to speak, alternating denials with criticism while trying to shift the blame. Even Chris was getting in the acting, citing all the times various people, who shall not be named, got hurt and then snuck out of the hospital.

"Well, it ain't my fault I heal fast!" was Vin's reply. it happened to fall in a bit of a lull in the conversation (read argument) and everyone stopped and looked at him. "Um, well I do. I stick around in a hospital and the next thing you know, they start asking all these questions and..."

"And just why do you heal fast?" Nathan looked at him, with a deadly gleam in his eye. With all the fuss the guy put up he'd better have a pretty good explanation.

"Er... umm... well... it's kinda... complicated..."

"How complicated..." Everybody was just staring at Vin, and he was getting a little red.

"Um, Chris, you wanna help me out a little here?"

"Don't look at me Cowboy, I didn't stick my foot in it."

"Hey, I ain't the only one with secrets, Mr. Time traveler."

"What!" Nathan exclaimed.

"Vin..." Chris had that look in his eyes.

"He-he, oops?" Vin said, totally unrepentant.

"Wait a second, time travel? that ain't possible." Nathan rubbed a hand over his head, wondering if this was some bizarre nightmare or if he'd finally lost it and was currently locked up somewhere in a nice padded room. "Isn't it?"

"Err... umm... well... " Now it was Chris' turn to mumble. "It kinda is."

"Chris, why the hell didn't you tell me you were part of fugitive retrireview!" Buck hollered.

"Fugitive what?" Chris looked confused.

"You mean you aren't part of... Um, just forget I said anything."


"What, I said it's nothing."

"What is Fugitive retrireview?"

"Fugitive retrireview is..." A slightly tinny, female voice was heard emanating from Bucks pocket.

"Shut up Selma. And I thought this was about Vin and his rapid healing."

"Me?" Vin squeaked. "This is about Chris and his apocalyptic future!"

"NO it's not, it's about you..."

"Enough!" Josiah bellowed, getting impressive volume. The fact that he also thumped the table and creaked it, only went to help gather attention.

"We can talk about this like civilized people or we can spend the weekend arguing."

"This is not my fault..."

"I didn't say anything about apocalyptic, now did I..."

"This has nothing to do..."

"Shut Up!"

Nobody had noticed when Nathan had left the room and returned with a loud speaker.

"Now that I have everyone's attention, let me get this straight. You're from the future." Nathan pointed at Chris, who gave a reluctant nod.

"And you're also from the future." He pointed at Buck.

"Um, Yeah, but not the same future. It's not the greatest, but I wouldn't call it apocalyptic. Granted they don't have hamburgers, and they outlawed motorbikes and..."

"Buck, shut up." Nathan turned to Vin. "What's your story."

"I... umm... I'm kinda a government experiment in genetic engineering and brain transplants."

"And I though having a vegetable for a girl friend was bad." came a soft drawl.

"What was that, Ezra?"

"Nothing, oh, nothing Nathan. Please continue." Ezra tried to look innocent, but didn't succeed.

"A vegetable for a... I don't wanna know." Nathan was getting pretty sure about the padded room theory. "While we're at it, does anyone else want to get something off their chest."

Nathan glared meaningfully at Ezra and hence missed JD squirming in his seat.

"Well, I'm not exactly as old as I seem."

"JD, you didn't lie on your application did you?" Nathan got a nod in return. "Just how old are you, 18, 19..."

"Two hundred and thirty one."

Nathan's jaw feel open, followed by Buck's sudden choking on his coffee.

"Holy f..." Buck was speechless. Everyone else at the table was too, but for Buck to be speechless..."

"And just how does such a miracle occur?" Ezra had dollar signs in his eyes.

"Hell if I know. I'm kinda Immortal. I can't die. Well I can, but I come back. And if it doesn't kill me, it just heals pretty quick."

"Okay then... Just out of curiosity, did anyone besides me *not* lie on their application forms." Nathan wasn't surprised when Ezra didn't say anything, and so was startled when Josiah did.

"If we're being totally honest right now..."

"Et tu, Brutus" Nathan mumbled.

"More along the lines of Vincent."

"You were born Vincent?"

"Actually I was born half cat, but I was named Vincent." Josiah got self-conscious as everyone started staring at him. "Plastic surgery can do wonders."

"Is anyone in this room, besides me normal?" Nathan looked up at the ceiling, wondering if it was time for his medication in reality, and if it was, would it make this delusion go away.

"Well, aside from the whole girlfriend turning out to be a vegetable thing..."

"I think that was a rhetorical question Ezra." JD said to him, while the rest of the room fell into silent contemplation of whether they aught to stop Nathan from pounding his head on the table or let him have that little bit of normality. After all, the headache he would get, he could at least explain. "Um, guys, this is all nice and all, but this doesn't help us with the evaluation on Monday."

"Damn, I should have let the terminator kill me..."

"Selma, I think it's time we moved on..."

"I wish I just died when that train hit me..."

"I wonder what she's up to right now, maybe I should go visit her for a month or two. Then again, there was Miss. Parker. I hear Blue Cove is quite nice this time of year..."

"Maybe Father could use some help with Jacob..."

"I'd rather be in Andersonville..."

"If I pinch myself, do you think I'd wake up and find out this was all a dream?" Nathan gave up on hitting his head, and suddenly pinched himself. "Nope didn't work."

They fell into silence again, each contemplating the coming audit. They weren't actually worried about their covers, they'd stood the scrutiny so far, the likelihood of some pencil pusher seeing through them now was unlikely. It was the thought of all the paperwork involved that made them want to scream.

Vin noticed it first. He looked at JD, tilted his head to one side, shook it, and then nudged Ezra and whispered something to him. Then Ezra went through the same routine, only nodding and whispering back. Josiah then scrutinized the young (sorta) Immortal.

"You don't happen to sing do you, JD?"

The object of all the scrutiny turned beet red. Even Nathan started looking at him intently. "No way. Uh-uh guys, I don't think so."

"The likeness is remarkable, I always had a fondness for his music." Josiah reminiced.

"Um, guys, that wasn't me."

"Who wasn't you." Bucks curiosity was killing him.

"I mean could you see me in some of those out fits?"

"It was the seventies, JD, everybody wore those outfits." Josiah spoke up. "And it's better than Sewer Gothic."

"Just who are you guys talking about." Chris asked.

"David Cassidy."

Bucks eyes got wide. "He's David Cassidy? I love his music."

"Fine, fine, I was David Cassidy. I needed the money, and they were holding auditions, and I knew... Wait, why am I explaining this to you guys, I'm older than you guys, I don't have to explain myself."

"He's got a point there Buck."

"Shut up Chris."

"Hey Doc, I think it's time for my medication..."


End note: The various alter egos are based on other characters our favorite actors have played at one time or another. For Chris, Kyle Reese from Terminator, Buck, Darien Lambert from Time Trax, Vin, Michael Wiseman from Now and Again, Josiah, Vincent from Beauty and the Beast, and Ezra Chad from Revenge of the Killer Tomatoes (haven't seen it, but heard a sound clip: My girlfriend is a vegetable!) also a part opposite Miss. Parker in the Pretender. I admit I cheated with JD. The only roles I could think of was the part in Andersonville, of which I never caught the characters name, and I'm to lazy to look it up, and that he played David Cassidy of the Partridge Family fame, in ... well it was about David Cassidy. I saw the pictures. As for poor, normal Nathan, the only role I could think of Rick worthy playing off the top of my head is a bit part in Sheena, and well... he was bald! not to mention it was Sheena.

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