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Disclaimer: Nothing in this story is true. Don't believe any of it. Written as part of the the Nick Slash Fication for Shirasade, who requested Nick/Howie, present day fic, and a happy ending. Hopefully, this will suit.
Tensegrity The first time Nick kissed Howie, he wasn't quite sixteen yet. They were on a bus going someplace that would look almost exactly like the place they'd just left. Kevin and Brian had crashed in the bunks, AJ was engaged in epic battle with the Nintendo in the back, and Howie was curled up by a window, reading the paperback thriller he'd picked up at the last truck stop. Nick had been watching him for days, torn between desire and embarrassment because this was Howie, for chrissake, and why couldn't it at least be Kevin? At least Kevin was cool, even if he did have a stick up his ass most of the time. But it was Howie that Nick couldn't keep his eyes off, Howie whose touch made Nick hard and whose smile gave him a stomachache, Howie whom Nick had dreamed of the last three nights. The fact that one of those dreams had involved having to rehearse the same song over and over because Howie kept tripping over Nick's constantly growing feet didn't change the fact that Nick had it bad. He was crushing on Howie, and Howie was sitting just a few feet away, lower lip caught between his teeth in a way that made Nick want to lick him. Instead, Nick settled for a kiss. Dropping casually into the seat next to Howie's, he tugged the book out of Howie's hands and leaned in. AJ's demonstration with the orange flickered through his mind, and he almost blew the whole thing by giggling. Then his lips touched Howie's, and he lost all urge to laugh. Remembering AJ's instructions, he opened his mouth and slipped his tongue out to tease Howie's lower lip. Howie went still. One hand came up to cup Nick's face, and for a second, Nick was in heaven--or some hopefully-soon-to-be-NC-17-rated equivalent. Then Howie pulled back. Confused, Nick opened his eyes. "Baby, no." The infinite gentleness in Howie's voice somehow made it worse. Nick fled, his whole body burning with shame. He told Kevin he had a headache and didn't come out of his bunk until they reached the venue. When he finally emerged, Howie acted as if nothing had happened. Nick didn't know if he should be grateful or offended, but slowly, as time passed, he settled for resigned. He was doomed to a life of unrequited love, spending almost every moment with the object of his desire but unable ever to touch or be touched. When he told AJ, after AJ had sat on him until Nick spilled what was making him act, as AJ said, "so fucking constipated," AJ said he needed to quit reading Debbie's romances and get laid. When Nick tried to take his advice, Kevin walked in at the exactly wrong moment and Nick spent the next month being subjected to "there's no sex like safe sex, but if you know what's good for you, there'll be no sex, period" lectures. After some thought, Nick concluded that his life would be far simpler if he just kept his crushes to himself. The second time Nick kissed Howie--really kissed, not fooling around on stage or slobbering on him to make him squeal--Nick and Mandy had just broken up. They were on the last leg of the tour, blowing off some steam in a nightclub, and Nick was more than a little wasted. He'd loved Mandy. He'd thought that he could make things work, and even though a part of him had seen the end coming, it still felt like someone had taken a hot poker and stirred it around his insides whenever he let himself think about it. The alcohol seemed to soothe the worst of the pain, but it wasn't until he saw Howie on the dance floor that he actually stopped wishing Mandy were there with him. Howie moved with an easy grace and confidence that drew Nick's gaze and held it captive. Something stirred in Nick that had been buried for years. Working on little more than impulse and Jack Daniels, Nick made his way down from the VIP section. Luckily, he wasn't quite drunk enough to jump Howie's bones right there. As tempting as the idea was, enough sense of self-preservation remained that Nick simply slung an arm across Howie's shoulders and suggested that they go back to the hotel. Nick sat close to Howie in the car, close enough that he barely had to lean in to touch his lips to Howie's. He could taste the faint bitterness of whatever Howie had been drinking. For a moment, as Howie pressed closer, he thought that everything was going to be okay this time. Until Howie pushed him away gently, saying, "Baby, no," with a finality that burned. Nick was older, more experienced, and far drunker than last time. "Why not?" he demanded. Howie sighed. "Because it's wrong. You're not over Mandy yet. Anything you do now, you're going to regret later." Nick slumped down in the seat, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's not fair." "I know, Nicky. I know." Howie slid an arm over his shoulders and pulled him closer. Nick was asleep by the time they reached the hotel and barely remembered the walk to their rooms. When Howie acted the next morning as if nothing had happened, Nick was more than willing to go along. The third time Nick kissed Howie was in his dressing room after one of his concerts. Nick was so hyped from the music and the fans that he could barely stand still. This was the only part about touring solo that wasn't amazing; he was used to having four other guys to bounce off after a show. Not that his band wasn't great and just as excited as he was, but it somehow wasn't the same. So when there was a knock on the door and Howie stuck his head in, the surge of joy that rose in him was partially just the same happiness he felt when he returned home after a long, hard tour. Nick let out a whoop, grabbing Howie in a hug so hard it lifted him off his feet. Twirling them both around, Nick felt Howie's laughter against his chest and a long-buried heat burst back into life. Howie's arms were tight around him, and it seemed only natural to follow up his hug with a slow, searching kiss. He read the "no" in Howie's eyes before his friend said anything. He pulled back. His post-concert high was gone, leaving him cold and empty. "Nick." Howie's voice was quiet but firm. "I want you to meet someone." Pulling Nick out of the dressing room, he glanced around until he spotted the person he was looking for. The smile that lit up his face told Nick more than he wanted to know. "Paul, come here a minute," Howie called. A tall, dark-haired man stepped away from the group of musicians he'd been talking with and started in their direction. When Howie introduced his boyfriend as if nothing had happened between them a few minutes before, Nick somehow mustered up a smile. The first time Howie kissed Nick was at Nick's house when they were on a break from recording the new album. Brian and Kevin had gone home for a few days, and AJ was off with some golf buddies at a small charity tournament. Nick had planned to spend some time with Paris, but then she got called in to do some promo work for her show the day before their break started. He was in the process of formulating Plan B, which mostly consisted of relaxing on his boat and enjoying the warm spring weather, when AJ pulled him aside. "Hey, man, keep an eye on Howie for me, will you?" Nick looked across the studio. Howie was listening as Brian demonstrated an idea he had for the bridge of the song they were working on. As Brian finished, Howie nodded and smiled, but Nick could see that the smile never reached his eyes. "He's still not over Paul, is he?" AJ frowned, opening his mouth as if he was going to say something, then shook his head. "That's not the only thing bothering him, I don't think. Just hang out with him some, okay? See if you can cheer him up." Nick gave AJ a sharp look. Whatever was getting Howie down, AJ obviously knew about it--and just as obviously from the bland expression on his face, he had no intention of telling Nick. AJ didn't tell other people's secrets. Unless the secrets involved who had replaced all of Kevin's shoes with identical pairs that were two sizes too small. Nick had forgiven AJ for telling that one. Eventually. After Kevin finally quit short-sheeting his bed. "Nick?" AJ waved a hand in front of his face. "Am I boring you here, dawg? 'Cause I could probably turn this into a song-and-dance number if that'd hold your attention better." Nick swatted his hand. "Funny, asshole. How about a comedy routine, instead?" AJ smirked. "Nothing's funnier than your face." When Kevin finally came over to drag them apart, Nick had managed to straddle AJ and was tickling him so hard that he could barely breathe. AJ was wiry, but there were certain advantages to being the biggest guy in the group. So Plan B was modified to include Howie. Which was fine with Nick because he liked hanging out with Howie, even if he still, after all these years, had moments of sudden longing when Howie caught him off-guard with a smile, or worse, a sigh as he gazed out across the water. The thought of Howie being sad made Nick want to wrap him in a hug and just hold on until he could smile again, but Nick had learned a few things over the years. He only let himself grab on when he was able to see Howie as his brother and one of his best friends. During those other times when his heart ached for more, he kept his distance. On the second day, they got home just as the sun was beginning to set. They'd talked about hitting a club, but the day had been so quiet and relaxing that Nick didn't really want to spoil it with the noise and excitement of a club. Howie seemed reluctant to break the mood as well, so they settled on burgers and beer out on the deck, watching the last glowing strands of sunset reflect off the water. "This was nice," Howie said finally, his voice caressing the words lazily like it did when he was just short of drunk. He'd been drinking slowly but steadily all day. Nick hadn't commented, knowing how tightly Howie could clam up when he felt pressured. At first, Nick had hoped that the alcohol might loosen Howie's tongue. So far, Howie had managed to giggle his way through most of the morning and to spend the afternoon thoughtful and subdued, but he hadn't talked about anything more important than the potential starting dates for the tour. "The weather was good today," Nick agreed. He got up and went over to flick on the deck lights, then crossed to the rail, leaning on it as he looked out at the ocean. "And the water was great. Perfect sailing conditions." Howie snorted. "Anything short of a hurricane is perfect sailing conditions to you." Nick grinned. It was true; he wasn't irresponsible enough to go sailing when the weather was truly bad, but he didn't let much else stop him from spending time on the water. But today had been beautiful, sunny and warm, with just enough breeze to keep it from getting hot. "I'm glad you came with me," he said, turning back to Howie. Maybe it was the beer, or the pensive look on Howie's face, or just the fact that patience wasn't one of his virtues. His resolve not to push was crumbling fast, and before he could stop himself, he added, "He's not--I mean, he was a nice guy and all, but there are other guys out there who can handle the life better." Howie's eyebrows went up. "Who are we talking about?" "Paul. The guy you've been messed up about since he broke up with you?" Howie stared at him for a second, then laughed. "Paul? God, Nick, where did that come from?" Nick blinked. Maybe it was too much beer. "You haven't been moping over Paul?" "Moping?" "Pining?" "Remind me to thank Kevin for getting you those Word-A-Day calendars." Howie sighed, getting up a little unsteadily to join Nick at the rail, leaning in a little until Nick slid an arm over his shoulders. "I haven't been moping or pining or anything else over Paul." Nick raised an eyebrow, gazing down at Howie with what he hoped was a suitably skeptical expression. Howie looked away. "Okay, but not like that. I cared about him, but not like 'love of my life' or anything. I never thought it would last forever." "So what's with the moping?" "I don't mope." Howie elbowed Nick in the ribs, just hard enough to hurt. "It just got me thinking." "About?" Nick prompted when he fell silent. "Being alone. How much I really, really don't want to spend my life that way." Nick pulled him closer. "You're not, you know." "I know." Howie's smile was shaky. "But it's not the same thing." "Yeah, but just because Paul wasn't the right guy doesn't mean he's not out there." Nick looked him over assessingly. "You're not exactly old and wrinkled yet." "Thanks," Howie said dryly. "The worst part is, I had what I wanted right in front of me and let it get away." "I thought you said Paul wasn't--" "Not Paul." Nick frowned, trying to remember who else Howie had seemed serious about. "Cory? Tell me it wasn't Cory. He was such a dick." "He was not." Howie frowned. "Okay, he was. A little bit. But I wasn't in love with him." "Good. Who was it, then?" Howie's smile turned sad. Leaning up, he pressed his lips to Nick's. Nick opened his mouth hungrily, pulling Howie closer as he accepted the kiss. Nick had wanted this forever, and he had no intention of letting Howie get away this time. When he woke up the next morning, Nick was alone in the bed. Only the indention of another body next to him proved that he hadn't dreamed the night before. For a moment, he held out the hope that Howie had just woken up early and gone to make coffee, but the mattress was cold and the house empty. Stomach churning, Nick barely made it to the bathroom before everything came up. It took three bouts of gagging over the toilet before he could move without puking, but once he finally could stand and run a wet cloth over his face, he felt much better. He brushed his teeth, took a shower, washed out the sink, then scrubbed the toilet and the shower for good measure. Then he went through the house, straightening and scrubbing away every sign that Howie had ever been there. The sheets they'd made love on were stripped from the bed and shoved into the garbage. Finally, when the house was cleaner than it had been in a long time, Nick called Howie. He wasn't entirely surprised that there wasn't an answer, that time or the twenty-seven other times he tried to call over the next three days. AJ, when Nick finally got a hold of him, said that Howie had told him an emergency had come up with the Lupus Foundation and that Howie had gone to take care of it. When AJ asked how Nick's vacation was going, Nick changed the subject. They were supposed to be back in the studio on Monday morning. Nick wondered if Howie would find an excuse not to be there, but when he pulled up into the parking lot, he saw Howie's car parked next to AJ's. For a moment, Nick thought about turning around and driving away. But then Kevin would hunt him down and kill him slowly, and besides, Nick hadn't done anything wrong. He had thought a lot about what he wanted to say to Howie, but he still hadn't come up with anything that sounded right when he walked into the room where the guys were waiting for him. "Hey, Nicky's on time," Brian said as he came through the door. "Wonders never cease," Kevin added, coming up behind Nick and slinging an arm over his shoulders. "How was your vacation, bro?" "Hey, Nick," Howie said cheerfully, just like nothing had happened, and something inside Nick snapped. Pulling away from Kevin, he stalked across the room and grabbed Howie's arm. "We need to talk." He ignored Kevin's "Nick, what the hell?" and AJ's "Let them go," as he dragged Howie out the door and down the hall. Finally he found an open door that led into an empty office. He shut the door behind them and let go of Howie's arm, crossing his own over his chest as he looked at his friend. Howie glared back at him, rubbing his wrist. "Why," Nick asked, gritting his teeth to keep his voice from shaking, "did you even bother to kiss me if touching me is so disgusting to you? Why give me that crap about looking for someone to love? Why are you playing games with me?" Howie's eyes went wide. "Nick, no." He reached out, stopping as Nick flinched. "You don't disgust me. How could you think that?" "You pull away every time I kiss you. And that night, you couldn't even sleep beside me." Howie sighed. "You were fifteen the first time you kissed me. I was twenty-two. It would have been illegal, not to mention wrong in all kinds of ways I don't even want to think about. What else could I have done?" "I was legal the other times." Nick couldn't quite keep his voice from cracking. "There was nothing stopping you then." "As I recall, one time you were on the rebound from Mandy and drunk off your ass." Howie crossed his arms over his chest, unconsciously imitating Nick. "You'll have to excuse me for not taking advantage of you. The only time you ever showed any interest in me when you were old enough and sober enough to know what you were doing, I was dating Paul already." Nick took a deep breath, feeling the pressure in his chest lighten. "What about the night at my house?" Now Howie looked away. "I'm sorry. I was drunk and feeling sorry for myself. You're a beautiful man, Nick, and kind, and decent, and I felt pretty safe in thinking you wouldn't be after my money and fame. Everything I'd ever wanted, and I never took a chance back when you had a crush on me. It was wrong, and I'm sorry, and I swear I just thought it would be less embarrassing for both of us if I was gone when you woke up. I never thought you'd think--God, Nicky, I'm sorry." Nick was torn between laughing and running out of the room. In the end, he just dropped down in the nearest chair and ran his hands through his hair. "I've been in love with you since I was fifteen, asshole. All you ever had to do was not pull away." Howie sighed, then stepped forward and touched Nick's cheek. "I'm not pulling away now." Nick looked at him, trying to read the truth in his eyes. He'd dreamed of this moment. He'd thought it had come once, only to have it turn into a nightmare. How did he know he could trust it this time? "This isn't just some weird guilt thing for fucking me when I was drunk, is it?" "Baby, no." Howie shook his head, then frowned. "Anyway, I was drunker than you were." "And you're not going to wake up tomorrow and pretend this never happened?" "No." Howie tilted his face up and kissed him tenderly. "No more pretending." Nick smiled finally, reaching out to grab Howie's hips and pull him closer. "You sure? Because I've always had this fantasy . . ." "Well, maybe a little pretending. For a good cause." Howie leaned down for another kiss, then sighed. "You know we have to get back. AJ's probably climbing the walls." "Yeah." But Nick hesitated. He was getting what he wanted; he should be smart enough not to question where it came from. But he had to know. "This isn't, like, you settling for me because you don't think anyone better will come along, is it?" Now Howie studied Nick's face, while Nick's stomach tied itself in knots. Nick told himself it was better to lose Howie now, while he was used to not having him. It was, really, but if Howie didn't answer him soon, he was going to puke again. "You remember that night at your concert?" Howie asked finally. "I'd been watching you on stage, and it was strange because it was the first time I saw you up there and didn't see my little brother Nicky, the baby of the family. I saw this strong, handsome man who was so alive, so in love with what he was doing, and it was beautiful, Nick. You were beautiful, and it felt like I didn't even know you. And then you kissed me backstage, but it didn't feel like the Nick I'd always known. I wanted more, but there was Paul, and by the time he was gone, you had Paris, and all I could do was think about what a fool I'd been. Because I'd loved you all along; I just hadn't seen how much more that love could be." "Tell me," Nick said softly. "Tell me how much more." Howie smiled. "You always were a sucker for a sappy romance." But his eyes were serious as he leaned forward, close enough that Nick could feel his breath on his lips as Howie said, "Everything, Nick. It's everything." The fourth time Nick kissed Howie, it was in an empty office in the recording studio where they were making their fifth album. He could hear AJ and Brian in the hall yelling their names, but he didn't care. His lips brushed Howie's, soft and tentative, and Howie smiled and pulled him closer. |
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