Disclaimer: Not mine. No money, et cetera.
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if Chris ever lost his patience with the youngin's?
Ratings: PG for language
"Chris, they should stay with you."
"What! Why me! Buck's place is closer, we all can keep a better eye on them!"
"Chris, you know Vin and Ezra won't listen to anyone 'cept you. You're the best choice!"
He and Nathan were outside of the hospital, waiting for Buck and Josiah to bring the three accident prone youngin's to Chris's Ram and Nathan's Explorer.
Chris Larabee sighed, he knew he wouldn't win this argument. The ATF team leader had had it up to his neck with those two. Not only was Vin restless and had a penchant for disobeying doctor's orders, Ezra was just as bad, and Chris shuddered when he thought about what the next week would be like. Chris just sighed and resigned himself to his fate.
"Buck! Will, ya quit! I'm f. . ."
"Don't say that word! Every time you say that word. . ."
Chris and Nathan turned to see the rest of their team coming towards them. JD was on crutches, his ankle had been badly sprained during the bust, and Buck hovered like usual, annoying the hell outta the kid. Josiah was walking in between and slightly behind the sharpshooter and the undercover agent, ready to catch either of them should they falter. Vin sported a cast on his left arm and was slightly limping, favouring his right leg. Ezra didn't fare any better. His left arm was in a sling due to the bullet wound and he limped as well because he too had sprained his ankle, but not as badly as JD.
They were the sorriest bunch of youngin's Chris had ever seen.
"So where we heading first? Mine or Ezra's?" Vin was anxious to get home and away from Nathan's perpetual frowns.
"Neither. We're going to the ranch." Chris almost grinned at the horrified expressions on the three young faces.
"And pray tell, why?" Ezra asked cautiously.
"Cause you and Vin are staying with me." This time Chris did grin, a purely evil one at that.
"Good lord! No!" "Now wait one cotton pickin' minute!"
Chris raised his hand as they both started to whine about staying with him.
"You're staying with me, and you're gonna like it, understand?" That was whispered in Chris's soft and silky tone (you know, the one that he usually uses to scare the bejeezus outta someone).
Both men looked at their leader with wide eyes and nodded.
"You boys gonna stay for dinner?" Chris had just finished his shower and was towelling his blonde hair dry as he addressed the question to the men in his living room. As they all nodded their heads, Chris headed into his kitchen.
It was an hour later when he poked his head into the living room and did a quick head count.
He sighed, "Where's Vin?"
"Thought he was with you?" Buck looked up from the tv with a frown.
"Nope."
"He said he was gonna keep you company." Josiah added, also looking up.
Chris sighed and turned to go check the bedrooms, but paused when he heard his horses making a ruckus. 'And so it starts,' he thought. Chris knew that Vin couldn't stand being cooped up, but the doctor had specifically told them that Vin could not under any circumstances be doing anything strenuous for the next few weeks. Chris intended to make sure that Vin obeyed those orders, even if he had to hog tie the Texan to a bed!
But once Chris got outside, he lost it. We're talking top blowing, volcanic explosion, steam coming out of his ears, losing it!
Without a word, Chris stalked up to a wide-eyed, guilt-written-all-over-his-face Vin.
"Chris, hi! I was just- owwww! Chris?!?!"
"You wanna act like a six year old, fine! I'm gonna treat you like a six year old!"
"Chris!!! OWWWW! That hurts, let go! CCCCHHRRRISSSSS!"
At Vin's scream, the six other men hurried to the porch. They stood
there paralyzed at the sight that greeted them. Chris Larabee, rough,
tough ATF agent, was dragging ex-bounty hunter, sharpshooter phenomenon
Vin Tanner across the yard. . .
by the EAR!
"Damn fool! Can't listen to the doctor for just one damn week, nooooo! Gotta go and do the direct opposite of orders! Just like a six year old! Fine! Act like a six year old!" Chris was ranting now and totally ignored Vin's wails. He knew that he wasn't hurting Vin, well, not too bad anyway.
Buck, JD, Josiah, and Nathan were still to stunned at the sight to do anything.
Unfortunately for Ezra, he found the whole thing damn funny and started giggling. It was the wrong thing to do.
"Think its funny, Ezra?"
Ezra was laughing so hard at Vin that he totally missed the look in Chris's eye.
"OWWWW, CHRIS!!!"
Buck and the others' eyes got even wider at the spectacle in front of them. Chris kicked opened the door, dragging both grown men in by their ears.
Once in the house, Chris headed for the dining room, totally ignoring the complaints and wails of the two men.
"Chris, this hurts!
"Mr. Larabee, this is highly undignified!"
Chris stopped by the table and hooked a foot around a chair's leg, using the same foot, he violently kicked the chair towards a corner of the room. He positioned it until it faced the wall.
"Sit down, stay down!" Chris easily manuevered Vin into the chair.
"Chris!"
"Zip it!" Chris commenced with the same procedure on the other side of the room, tossing Ezra into that one.
"Now, you're both sitting in those chairs and you're gonna stare at those walls until I say so! No talking, no moving, no nothing! Do you understand me?"
"Aww, c'mon cowboy. . ."
"Don't you 'cowboy' me, young man! You will stay there until told otherwise, understand!" Chris waited for Vin's reluctant nod before turning to the other corner, "You got me, Ezra?" Ezra stared at his boss with wide eyes and could only nod his dark head.
Satisfied, Chris turned on his heel and went back to the kitchen, leaving behind six stunned faces.
"Y'all did it! I can't believe it! You've finally sent Chris over the edge!" Nathan scolded the two men who had turned bewildered eyes to them.
"Mr. Sanchez, would you be so kind as to speak to our leader? Perhaps talk some sense into . . ."
"Ezra! You talking? That's 10 more minutes in the corner! Open your trap again and it'll be an hour!"
The shout from the kitchen was Buck's undoing. The large man started laughing so hard that he had to lean against the wall to stay up right. Josiah's grin just got bigger and Nathan hide his face in his hands, not trusting himself. JD could only stand there, mouth hanging open, eyes as big as saucers.
"You laughing, Buck?"
"No. . .no. . .nah, not me Chris!" Buck barely got that out, but the twin looks of horror on Vin's and Ezra's faces was too much. Fearing Chris's wrath, Buck quickly stuffed a corner of a throw cushion into his mouth, effectively smothering his laugh. Funny thing though, it made him look like he was eating the pillow and that was the last straw for Nathan. He was smart enough to run from the house, quickly followed by a red faced Josiah. JD never saw those two run so fast before.
You know, they never did make it back for dinner.
"Hello brother Christopher!" Josiah's voiced boomed through the house.
"Hey." Chris looked up from his book in time to see Buck and JD make a dash for the tv.
"What the hell?" Buck's yell brought Nathan and Josiah into the room.
Once there they stared in amusement and befuddlement.
Someone had taken apart Chris's big screen tv and the parts had been carefully placed in nice neat stacks.
"Ezra or Vin?" Josiah's amused voice brought Chris's attention to the rest of the team.
"Ezra AND Vin." Their leader answered.
"So where are they? Mucking out the stables? Cleaning the bathrooms with a toothbrush?" Buck couldn't wait to see how Chris had handled this little prank.
"They're in their room." Chris gave them a little smile that had Nathan, Josiah, and Buck running for the backrooms, leaving JD to hobble behind.
Josiah skidded to a stop when he found his two young friends.
Vin and Ezra were sitting on the floor in front of the bed, handcuffed to the bed posts!
"How. . ." JD's voice trailed off as he hobbled closer.
JD couldn't help it, he grinned. Chris was his hero and their leader for a reason. The man was smarter and craftier than all of them combined. Chris knew that Vin and Ezra could pick locks and he easily remedied that problem.
Chris had duct-taped huge oven mitts onto their hands!
"Thank God! Get us outta these!" Vin wailed.
"Yes, please, my dear friends. Please emancipate us from this unjust bondage!"
"Huh?" JD, it seemed was the only one endowed with the power of speech.
"Get us the hell outta these handcuffs!"
Chris stood behind his friends with an unholy grin, "Never, ever mess with a man's tv!."
It was early morning and the two invalids were sitting on Chris's porch, enjoying their morning coffee.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Ezra high-fived Vin. That would teach Chris to humiliate them like that in front of the others!
"Hey Chris!"
"Hey, JD. How's the ankle?"
"Hmmm, good. Be better if Buck would quit with his mother hen mode."
"Hey, its for your own good, kid! Damn pup, thinks he can. . ."
"Uh, Chris? Where's Vin and Ezra?" Nathan looked around the living room, panic beginning to rise. With Chris, you'd never know what he might do to those two.
"Huh, oh, in their room." Chris said distractedly, stirring the pot filled with stew.
"We're just gonna go check on them okay?" Buck had picked up on Nathan's worried mood.
"Yeah, sure. Ask 'em if they're hungry."
"Of course, brother." Josiah was really scared now. Chris was way too calm. Usually, any time at all with either an infirmed Vin or Ezra would have Chris in a very volatile state, but he was much too pleasant and accommodating. It was down right scary.
The four of them hurried to the back bedrooms. What they found stunned them.
Vin and Ezra were stretched out on the large double bed, gagged, their hands tied to the headboard and their legs were tied together.
But that wasn't what had the four of them stunned silent. It was something else, specifically, it was their clothes.
Vin was dressed in a very pretty pink and white muumuu, while Ezra sported short-pants with suspenders, a very cute sailor's shirt, and a blue and red propeller beanie.
Buck, JD, Nathan, and Josiah's stunned state didn't last for long. Buck and Nathan held their sides as they laughed like loons. Josiah's face was red from trying not to laugh, and JD has fallen to the ground in a fit of giggles.
Since both men were gagged, they resorted to sending daggers at their friends with their eyes.
Nathan came out of his laughing state long enough to ungag the two men.
"How. . .how. . .why?" Buck couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence through his laughter.
"Mr. Larabee drugged us. Sufficient to say, Mr. Larabee had unjustly held us hostage in here for nearly the entire day."
"Why?" Josiah stood there with his arms crossed over his huge chest.
"We, ah, we. . ."
"Spit it out, Vin!"
"We put frogs and snakes in Chris's bed! Happy? Now get us gotta these!"
It was the fourth night in the what JD had dubbed "Hell Week" (it reminded him of his time in college when frat houses would play pranks on each other and initiate new members). He, Buck, Nathan and Josiah were slowly walking up to the porch to Chris's ranch house. The four of them were living in dread about what they might find once the door was opened.
"Chris?"
"Yeah, Buck! In the kitchen! Did you bring my extra clothes for me?"
Buck and the others made their way into the kitchen. They could hear the tv in the living room and assumed that Vin and Ezra were watching that night's game.
"Yeah, Chris, but why'd ya need extra. . ." Buck stopped dead in his tracks and then promptly fainted.
Josiah barely caught him, but almost dropped Buck when he saw Chris.
Chris Larabee was dressed in the butt ugliest polyester leisure suit on the planet!
The shirt consisted of large dark pink swirls which were randomly painted onto the ugliest mud beige, while the pants were of the same horrendous pink!
Chris spared Buck only a glance before picking up his black gym bag and murmured something about going to change.
Nathan and Josiah exchanged horrified looks. Vin and Ezra! God knows what Chris would have done to them!
Josiah unceremoniously dropped Buck and followed Nathan to find the two bodies of their friends.
JD still wasn't over the shock, he was fixed in the kitchen doorway, his eyes blinking rapidly and his mouth was moving but no sounds were coming out.
Nathan and Josiah followed the sounds of the tv and breathed sighs of relief. Sitting on the couch were Vin and Ezra, their heads bopping from side to side. Nathan and Josiah exchanged frowns, why were their heads bopping? Vin and Ezra didn't do bopping.
From where they were, neither Nathan or Josiah could see what they were watching, so they moved into the room.
"Oh dear lord!" Josiah whispered in absolute terror.
"I can't believe Chris would. . ." Nathan's eyes were wide with fear.
12 hours. . .12 solid hours of this could kill anyone!
"I luuve youuuu, you luuve meeee, we're one biggg happp-pppy familyyyyy. . ."
"Hey, Buck, thanks for picking me up."
"No problem. So what's wrong with the Ram?"
"Not sure, I didn't have time to check, it'll have to wait till later."
"So how you gonna get home?"
"Vin gave me the keys to his jeep. I'll get from the parking garage later."
"JD! Where do you think you're going?"
"To check Seven! I haven't seen him for awhile!"
"Be careful!"
"Yes ma!"
"Its awfully quiet." Buck remarked to Josiah and Nathan as they made their way towards the house.
"Chris probably hog tied 'em and then gagged 'em." Nathan said with a smile, remembering what their leader had done in the past week to keep the two invalids in line.
"Nothing could be as bad as yesterday." Buck said and Josiah murmured his agreement. One thinking about the prank, the other thinking of the punishment, both shivered in horror at the memories.
"Hello Chris."
"Josiah, Buck, Nathan." Chris was sitting in his living room, book in one hand and a whiskey in the other.
"Staying for dinner?"
"Yeah, sure. So what happened to your Ram? I didn't see it. Did you have to take it to the body shop?" Nathan asked, pouring drinks for himself and the others.
"Oh. . .its up and running."
"So where is it?" Buck sipped his drink and sank down into the comfortable loveseat.
Chris didn't even look up from his book, "In my bedroom."
Buck choked on his drink and Nathan nearly dropped his glass. Josiah sat there, staring at Chris, not sure if he was joking or not. Within seconds they were scrambling down the hallway towards the master suite.
"Dear God." Josiah stopped dead in his tracks when he opened the door to Chris's bedroom.
All of the furniture had been neatly stacked against the walls and sure enough, Chris's huge black Dodge Ram stood, larger than life in the middle of the room.
The two dead men even had the audacity to wash and wax the truck before reassembling it in Chris's bedroom!
"What d'ya think Chris did with their bodies?" Buck didn't know why he was whispering, but he felt safer doing it than talking in his normal voice.
"Buck!! Nathan!! Josiah!! You'll never guess what Chris did to. . ." JD skidded to a stop when he saw the Ram.
"Show us." Josiah's whispered command brought JD to his senses. Closing his mouth, JD led the way to the barn.
Once there, they could only stand in awe at Chris's devious mind.
Vin and Ezra were wearing body harnesses (you know, the kind parachuters wear). Alive and well, but cursing a blue streak, Vin and Ezra hung from the barn rafters!
"Damn, remind me to never make Chris mad." Buck said in an amazed voice.
Finis
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